How Can I Find Who I Am? [Part 1]
Living in multiple roles leaves me wondering how to be 'me' in all the places
Ever since I exposed my truth about what my ex-husband said in my last post, It’s been bothering me that maybe I don’t know who I am. Not the who I am in the world at large — I know that like a pitch, but the who I really am deep down inside. The who I was at 2 years old, naked on a beach in Jekyll Island (the girl who my mom said would never keep her bathing suit on). I want to know that girl and funny enough, my friends might say that they DO know her. [LOL]
Who is that 2-year-old girl with the added 50 years of experience on top of her core personality — who would that girl be today? She is who I want to know, and she IS my mission. As I write this and wonder exactly how to figure all this out? Something profound comes over me and I realize quickly that I do think I might know her.
The stories that my mom tells us about living on Jekyll Island when I was a baby were always filled with the beach. My mom loved the sun and fun of the water and a beach, so of course as a baby she took me there. She said that I was an instant water baby, happy to run to the water, splash and feel free to be alive. (clearly as I took my suit off!) That beach girl is the core of who I am, the core of who I was and most likely the core of who I’ll always be.
So, as I came to write to you today, I didn’t imagine this was the turn it would take, but now that it has, I’m grateful for this moment. As I open my phone and look at my pictures over a dozen years or more, I soon realize, maybe I do know who I am and what makes my core real and happy!
With that realization, I think finding the rest of "who I became over my life will be much easier or at least I hope.
You don’t know me, but I can tell you that I grew up in Dallas, TX. I am a Texan, lake weekends, Tex-Mex, salsa and queso in my veins, and the smell of a horse barn make me happy. Far from the beaches and the ocean, but close enough to lake beaches and water to feel like I wasn’t missing something. However, when I was 29, I began working in San Francisco and soon after moved there with my husband of a few years to live out my .com dreams in a healthcare technology startup. The Bay Area, the stuff of myth and legend in my TX mind, I was excited. A new life, new water, new beaches (despite being very cold, still a beach and water)
The girl from Dallas, Texas met San Francisco, California with all that she had and all that she was! A sweet, mild, funny homemaker at heart, technical operations by day type of girl. It was an odd fit, but it felt like me and I loved it. And I loved it more when my co-worker asked me to watch her horse that lived in a barn by my house, I couldn’t even imagine there were horses, barns or anything like that in the bay area, but look how it found me or I found it. I’m seeing that who you are finds you, where you least expect it no matter what.
So I know that I’ve only scratched the surface here today, but I’m happy where this post has taken me and where it’s going and the realizations we just made together. There’s so much more to my story that I will keep sharing, as my life will lead me from Texas to San Fran, Gainesville to Tampa, Portland, Oregon and back to Florida, and many places in between, but these are all just places and what I really wanted all along was to find ME and I think I’m closer than I’ve ever been. I’m excited to keep looking and will post more soon. And in the meantime, no matter where YOU might find me, it’ll be on a beach…
